How To Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie
To be interesting, be interested.
Rating: 10/10
I first read Dale Carnegie in senior year of high school. I truly believed in these principles, yet through college, I did not keep these on the forefront of my mind. 5 years later, I’m incredibly glad I re-read the book. It’s a story-filled guide to being both a mindful and authentic communicator.
Part 1: Fundamental Techniques In Handling People
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
People don’t blame themselves. Rarely do they hold themselves responsible. In fact, many criminals view themselves as public benefactors.
Few people think of themselves as bad men. They rationalize their actions via reasoning to justify it to themselves
It is foolish to scold. Criticism puts a person on the defensive. It wounds a persons pride and causes resentment, and ultimately no outcomes change. They will in turn condemn us in return.
All these years, I have approached dear friends in so many of the wrong ways when they do things that I think do not benefit their best interest. It has, in turn, come back to reflect in their image of me, never better than where it started.
As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation
Employees not wearing hard hat. Boldly asserting rules vs (1) asking if they’re un comfy or didn’t fit well, then (2) reminding them that the hat was meant to protect them
Remember Al Capone thought he was a public servant, 2 Gun Crawley thought he was defending himself, Taft thought he had not erred vs Roosevelt, and Albert Fall (Teapot Dome) never thought he’d betrayed anybody.
How would Lincoln handle this problem?
Duel with James Shield stopped by the 2nd’s
Never write an insulting letter or ridicule someone
Judge not, then ye be not judged
Don’t criticize them, they are just as we would be under similar circumstances
Lincoln never sent his letter to General James Mead after he failed to finish General Lee at the river
When Hoover’s plane didn’t have enough fuel when he landed, he went up to the guy and said: “To show you I’m sure you’ll never do this again, I’d like you to service my F51 tomorrow.”
Father Forgets
A terrible sickening fear fell over me. What has habit been doing to me, the habit of finding fault, of reprimanding.
It was not that I did not love you. I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years. And there was so much that is good, and fine, and true in your character.
I have come to your bedside in the darkness. I have knelt there ashamed.
There is someone we’ve all condemned. Those words weigh heavy on the hearts of both the giver and receiver (of condemnation)
Any fool can criticize, condemn, complain, and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
“I’ll speak ill of no man and speak all the good I know of everybody” -Benjamin Franklin
Principle 2: Be hearty with your approbation, lavish with your praise
There is only one way to make someone do something, and that’s by making the other person want to do it (crude methods have repercussions)
The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important / the desire to be great / the craving to be appreciated
The individual who satisfies this “heart hunger” shall hold people in the palm of their hand
If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you who you are. That determines your character (the most significant thing about you)
Rockefeller: giving millions to poor in China that he never saw
Dillinger: being a bandit and killer hunted by the FBI (Being public enemy #1)
Catherine the great didn’t open letters that didn’t say “To her imperial majesty”
Millionaires donate to universities understanding all they get is naming rights
People become invalids/needy to get feelings of importance
Many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance they were unable to find in reality
If people go insane to feel important, imagine how much you can do for them by giving sincere appreciation
Charles Schwab
~I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess. Anxious to praise, loathe to find fault. Give them incentives to work hard + encouragement
Once I did bad, then I heard ‘error.’ Twice I did good, for that I heard never.
Runaway spouses: lack of appreciation
Make people feel beautiful.
Nourish not just the body, but the self esteem as well
We’re not okay with fasting for a few days without food, but we go for a few years with a similar type of nourishment for self esteem: praise.
Flattery is counterfeit. It’s cheap praise. ☢️Beware☢️
Appreciation (sincere, from the heart). It plants seeds that will become roses of friendship
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want, he who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
The advantages and disadvantages list for the counterparty. Not saying at all what “I” wanted.
Advantages: higher rent, ballroom is free to rent (as opposed to existing lectures, which are less profitable)
Disadvantages: lose the rent from me (small), these lectures attract crowds of educated and cultured people to your hotel. Can’t get that via advertising!
Barbara Anderson letter is a great example of how to write a letter to get a job
An increased tendency to think in the other persons point of view and see things from their angle.
Gain-gain situations
Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature
Let others cook and stir an idea on their own. Let them feel like its their own.
How can I tie up what I want with what he wants? How can I make them want to do some things?
Make sure to practice these things. Seek to test it a few times a day for one specific principle and record my thoughts and stories!
Part 2: Six Ways To Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people, rather than get other people interested in you
Most frequently used word is “I”
In group photos, we look for pictures of ourselves
Adler: It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest difficulties to others. It is among such individuals that all human failures spring.
Theodore Roosevelt always had an honest liking for humble people. He knew his white house servants by name.
A sustained interest in other people will usher others to your defense when the cards aren’t in your favor.
Ex: The soda clerk defending the J&J salesman when the drug store owner didn’t want to buy from a large company that he felt didn’t represent the interest of small businesses
How to get famous people to respond to you:
Write a letter saying how much you enjoyed his/her work, understanding that they’re probably too busy to travel to your city to give a lecture. Collect the signature of a hundred of your classmates and enclose a list of questions.
All of us like people who admire us.
Do things for other people which require time, energy, and thoughtfulness
Birthday book.
Greet people with animation and let it radiate interest and enthusiasm
We are more interested in others when they are more interested in us.
Reach out to customers with purpose beyond what you’re selling them.
Ex: I’m in a debate about __. I can’t think of anyone else who can give me the perspective I need, and I’ll deeply appreciate any help you can give me.
A good smile says “I’m happy. I’m glad to see you”
Far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a better teaching device than punishment
Hire a sales clerk who hasn’t finished grade school with a good smile then a PhD with a somber face
Your smile even comes through verbally on the phone
A smile to your loved one in the morning can make a world of difference
Even with people who bring you complaints, you can smile and settle disputes more easily
Force yourself to smile. If you’re alone, force yourself to whistle or sing, and that will make you happy.
Happiness depends on inward conditions. It is what you think about what you’re doing (mental attitude). There is nothing good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
Lincoln: Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
In business, you must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you
Whenever you go outdoors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost, drinking in the sunshine. Greet your friends with a smile and put soul into every hand clasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do, and then without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you’d like to do, and then as days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire. Picture in your mind the capable, honest, earnest person you desire to be. And the hourly thought will form you into that particular individual. Thought is supreme. Preserve an attitude of good mental cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that unto which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Develop a system for remembering. Find out their full name — get some facts about the family, pets, etc. If you don’t hear the name say, “so sorry, I didn’t get the name clearly.” If it’s an unusual name, ask “how is it spelled?”
Be able to inquire about these details a year later
Try not to use people’s nicknames. Call them by their right name.
Carnegie rabbit story:
Carnegie had a bunch of rabbits but nothing to feed them. He told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbit, he would name the bunny in their honor. The plan worked like magic.
Used same psychology like magic.
In Carnegie’s convo with Pullman — What would you call the new merged company? Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company of course. That talk made industrial history.
The executive who can’t remember names is the same one who can’t remember a significant part of his business
Good manners are made up of petty sacrifices
Principle: Be a good listener. A good conversationalist is just a good listener.
When you talk to someone you find interesting, say “I’m impressed and I love your knowledge. I’d love to accompany you on __ task. We must meet again.”
Story of a young boy, Edward Balk, who read an Encyclopedia of Biographies of famous people. He would mail them and ask about little details in their lives, and eventually would be invited to their homes.
Sigmund Freud — “you had no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”
Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering
Let an angry person talk themself out. “Believe me, I’m far more eager to hear this than you are to tell it. If you’re angry at me / the company because of that, I’m sure there have also been others and I’m glad you’re letting me know.”
How to interest people: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Whenever Roosevelt knew a visitor was coming, he sat up late reading up on the subject which he knew his visitor was interested in
Before approaching one for a favor, find out what they’re interested in (hobby, organization, etc) and become genuinely interested in it. Ask them how it came to happen and the backstory.
Story of visiting someone’s secretary and getting to know him/her. Sold her on something that would contribute financial and politics success for her boss (who wanted money and power)
Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely
Compliment people without trying to get something out of them!
“I got the feeling that I had done something for him without him being able to do anything for me in return”
Law: always make the other person feel important
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. All the time, everywhere.
If you’re asking for a change on something, starting with consideration like “I’m sorry to trouble you, would you be so kind / would you mind…” + “Thank you”
“But man, proud man, / Drest in a little brief authority, / Most ignorant of what he’s most assur’d; / His glassy essence, like an angry ape, / Plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven, / As make the angels weep.” - Shakespeare
Part 3: How to Win People To Your Way of Thinking
Misunderstanding is never won by an argument, but by tact and diplomacy
When the other person becomes resistant to your view. When you sense that resistance switch gears. Go with the flow and find something genuine within yourself and find a way to relate with open listening. Let them expand their ego open them up to generosity and perhaps what you want all along will be the by product.
When there is a disagreement, treat it as an opportunity to be thankful about a perspective that you may have not considered or given enough emotional weight to
Look for areas for which you can admit error. This will help disarm your opponent and make them open to accepting your point of view
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking time to disagree with you, then they care about the thing itself. View them as people that might want to help you and you turn your opponent from an enemy into a friend.
When you tell someone they are wrong, whether it is with your words or your body language and gestures, you are striking a direct below at their pride
If you’re gonna prove something, don’t do it while announcing it. Be subtle
Men must be taught as if you taught them not and things unknown proposed as things forgot
You cannot teach a man anything. You can only help him find it with himself
Well, now look, I may be wrong and frequently am but let’s examine the facts
Do you want someone to change their mind? It has to be as if there is no resistance. We are often heedless while forming our beliefs, but find ourselves having an illicit passion for them when we are told you are wrong. most of our so-called reasoning is on discovering reasons to continue believing what we already do.
beware if you are ramming and unpalatable fact down, someone is esophagus! They will defend their decision. Maybe they’ll be filled with regret and the next day they might admit it to another person, but rarely to you.
Don’t insinuate that the wrong emphasize that the only reason you’re asking is to align with their interest. Then ask questions in a friendly cooperative spirit, and insist continually their interest is your interest
if you know you’re wrong if you know, you are caught red-handed be quicker than the person on the other side of the table to admit it and exactly what was wrong. you will only gain their respect,
every human wants to have a feeling of importance. when you begin to condemn yourself the only way the other person can increase his self-esteem is by showing mercy
say about yourself all the derogatory things that the other person is going to say that you think they’re going to say and let it be self-condemnation instead of hearing it from the lips of another person
“If what you say is true and I am at fault I have been doing this long enough to know that that is not OK”
interrupt them and say “any mistake that I make is costly and I understand the consequences. All I can say is I’m gonna try to live up to the standards that you hold starting now.”
When somebody sends you a note that is impatient, angry filled with vented feelings. Put it away, lock it, do not open it. After two days look at it and think about how can I respond to this anger with kindness. What’s a way to compliment them for their hard earned feelings. Put yourself in their shoes and then write back with kindness.
Example of president Taft with the person who wanted her son to have a political appointment
Part 4: Be A Leader: How To Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Beginning with praise is like the dentist using Novacaine. You numb the pain and you get the outcome.
Don’t use the word, “but” when you have criticism. Especially for sensitive people who reject criticism, directly using the word “and” can be more effective, asking them to achieve
We’re really proud of you for raising your grades this term AND with the same conscientious efforts your algebra grade can be up with all the others
Give people a good reputation to live up to. Finding them the traits which you want them to have and let them know they have it within them.
Try to be precise and be specific with praise. From sincerity, we will find that people appreciate what we have to say
People live up to the reputation which you give them.
When I was young, I had a reputation for being a trouble-maker. I’d find trouble and chaos anywhere that you can find this. Naturally, when echoed and reflected by my parents, I decided to live up to that reputation. I was proud that I got underneath their skin. How much more productive it would have been if my parents just said “he’s full of high energy and so curious about everything. Sometimes he get us into some trouble but that’s just the way it is for any blossoming young person.” And my dad actually did that very often later on. When someone who cares a lot about you chooses to highlight and give someone a reputation for something, they will probably come around make you proud.
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Don’t discourage by criticizing mistakes. praise what is good and then minimize the errors
Dale Carnegie’s son was held back after a car injury. Lost all self confidence and couldn’t do math. One positive point; he loved to work on radio and tv sets, wanted to be a TV technician. Dale encouraged this, pointed out he needed math to pass his exams for it, and helped him become proficient. He made two stacks (correct and revise), for each correct he’d make a big deal and when it was missed, he’d put it in the incorrect stack until they finished them all and timed it until he did it within 8 minutes. They celebrated all the milestones.
Dale Carnegie made it easy and fun.
Principle 9: Making people glad to do what you want
Woodrow Wilson chose Colonel House was chosen to broker a peace deal in Europe doing WWI over William Jennings Bryant, who wanted to make his name immortal. Colonel House said to Bryant “The president thought it would be unwise to do this officially, and his going may attract a great deal attention and people would wonder why we’re there.”
He practically said: you’re too important for this. Always make the other person happy while doing the thing you suggest
By not letting prominent Republicans feel like they had a stake in creating The League of Nations and electing only his own men from his own party to take the peace conference, Wilson showed an example of mishandling.
A man who had to refuse invitations to speak. Did it adroitly so the other person was content with his refusal.
He didn’t give the other person any time to feel bad about their refusal he would suggest a substitute instead!
Recap of this Principle 9:
(1) Be sincere, do not promise anything you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits, concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
(2) Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
(3) Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants
(4) Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest
(5) Max those benefits to the other persons wants
(6) When you ask your request conveyed in a form that shows the other person that he personally will benefit from what you ask
Recap of principles:
PRINCIPLE 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
PRINCIPLE 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
PRINCIPLE 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
PRINCIPLE 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
PRINCIPLE 5: Let the other person save face
PRINCIPLE 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
PRINCIPLE 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
PRINCIPLE 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.