Private Equity: A Memoir by Carrie Sun
I am materials rich and agency poor: I feel starved of freedom, starved of the ability to do the self-constitutive activities that would make me me
Rating: 7/10
Why did I read the book?
As someone soon entering a crossover-fund full-time, the book is deeply entertaining. Some points are relatable; others are not. Overall, it gives me more perspective on how one person can feel when a hundred problems compound. It’s great to finally have personal perspective perspective on an industry that more or less lacks any narrative form. I also wanted to know more about the internal workings of Tiger Global and Chase Coleman.
Carrie’s struggles began early in her life, and she often spoke about the tough love her parents gave her. Throughout college and into her mid-thirties, she seemed to run away from her problems instead of confronting them. At her breaking point, her energy was obviously directed toward Boone, the billionaire hedge fund manager she was dedicated to almost ‘serving.’ She felt overshadowed by his values, which stifled the sense of self she yearned for.
Her story is a reminder that burnout often results not from working too hard but from not resting enough. Throughout the memoir, I noticed that she never seemed to find a way to properly rejuvenate her mind and body. Nor upon noticing the [physical and mental toll this had on her, did she take a sabbatical to find this balance (unlike a story I heard last summer about a Principal at a fund who took a ~6 month sabbatical after feeling burnt and found it very beneficial). Knowing oneself and understanding how to stay grounded and rejuvenated seem like the most important skills to acquire before working in a high-stress environment. However, it also seemed like she never truly was riveted by finance or the work she was doing, and so her calling was something else and that’s what she should have been spending her time on anyway. Just as a musician sings about their trauma, Carrie wrote about hers and although I question some of the systemic problems it points to (though I don’t totally disagree) , it was very powerful in the way of perspective.
Selections:
I had been misdirected by Boone’s morality plays, asking myself over and over, Is he a good billionaire? Is he a good person? Not only did I not have an answer (although if I had to give one, I’d say that he tried quite hard, succeeded sometimes, and most often chose the path of self- or organizational preservation, which would make him, well, human), but this line of questioning was irrelevant. Every delay—every stalemate, TBD, or indecision about billionaires’ lives, their management styles, their tax avoidances or excessive influence—was a win for them. They were the ones with the luxury of time to wait out storms in palatial shelters, while the rest of us, with no areas of refuge, watched the weather to stay alive. My problem was never with Carbon or Boone but with his kind. (I thought he was the best of his kind.) After years of trying to find a pattern in the stock market, working at Fidelity and Carbon, I shed most of my beliefs and gained this one: the only patterns that mattered—the ones billionaires wanted to keep the public’s attention away from—were so simple and obvious that the investor class employed creative diversions because, otherwise, the secret would be out.
Compounding. Boone had a quote about it in his office. Stay in the market as much as possible. Have it, invest it. Wait out any panic and let it ride, let it grow. (Exponentially.) It gets easier to compound the richer you are. You can borrow to live. You never have to touch the principal. You never have to lock yourself into a price you don’t like. Risk/reward trade-off. Because the rich are so rich, they are able to risk a higher percentage of their net worth and invest in riskier assets. These two effects multiply and allow for the potential of much, much higher returns. This is why billionaires love crises. When others are sidetracked, they can scoop up assets on the cheap, take on extra risk at a time when everyone else is playing it safe, then wait for the world to return to a new normal.
A gift weighed down by the imposition of gratitude becomes an expectation; over time, it becomes debt.
The secret to being a billionaire? I told him the big secret is that there is no secret. Boone sent me four books in the mail before I started and his so-called”—I made air quotes —“ ‘secret’ is that he executes those simple concepts exceptionally and consistently well. But I think that is literally the hardest thing to do. Of course, he has help executing them; that’s the whole point. It’s all about the hidden help, the people to whom you can farm out tasks covering every inch of your life so you only spend your time in total devotion to your”—I pinched my right thumb and index finger—“tiny little hedgehog thing.” I thought of how Boone had not once been interrupted at work by his kids.
I am materials rich and agency poor: I feel starved of freedom, starved of the ability to do the self-constitutive activities that would make me me —so I feed myself, fill up and up and up
The thought of taking the “risk of sharing a thought with someone from work, about work, that was not 100 percent positive.”
But who is to say that this process of earning won’t compromise the person doing the giving
It seems like Carrie didn’t have systems or structures in place to ground her. She gave into binge eating unhealthy foods, she unfortunately got injured and couldn’t exercise, and it seems like she was going through a rocky time in terms of relationships.
After my own internship, I also had questions about my role in the world. Who am I? Am I grabbing life by the balls or am I a rat in the rat race?
Stay out of the fray; put your head down; do good work; don’t get caught up in office politics or gossip; and you’ll be rewarded
Where there is rupture there is never repair, only forgetting
It is imperative that we be here now, in the present moment, and take note of all that which time will make obvious.
How you spend your days is how you spend your life. There is nothing too small so as to not warrant maximal care.
Lately, I think my most shameful secret is that I knew all along the life I wanted to live and did not have the courage to live it.